| THE REGULAR CROWD STUMBLES IN |
[07 Aug 2006|05:57am] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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billy joel - piano man |
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HELLO, hangover.
I was pretty much immobile for about 24 hours.
And I still managed to shove food down my throat. How does that work?
I already have a couple of binges planned tomorrow. I don't know why that makes me excited, but I can't wait.
I'm watching "The Ringer" .... anyone else love this movie? I was very skeptic about it, I thought it was going to be offensive.... and it surprised me. It's actually quite good. ♥
I'm sorry.. I wish I had more to say.
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| WHY ARE WE KEEPING OUR SECRETS? |
[04 Aug 2006|01:46am] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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music |
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hilary duff - hide away |
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I just binged. Terribly. Then purged. A lot. Now I'm all shaky and can barely type. I'm sweaty, and nervous feeling. I stood up and light seemed to flood my eyes. I had to lay back down. I can't type. i can't focus. I can't concentrate. I don't like this................kI"m scared.
EDIT.
Toward the end I felt as if I was blacking out.. and I ended the entry. Now, a mere.. what, 10 minutes later? I feel a tad better. I just laid here with my eyes closed for a while. I've only had this happen to me about 3 or 4 times in the past 18 months it's been taunting me.... and it scares me everytime. I don't know what to do anymore. Why must I do this to myself? And why can't I stop?
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| THE WISDOM'S IN THE TREES, NOT THE GLASS WINDOWS |
[01 Aug 2006|09:48pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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jack johnson - breakdown |
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This song is Amazing. Jack Johnson: Breakdown. Everyone should download/buy it.. and listen to it. I LOVE IT.
I've figured out my goal in this nonsense. It's to eventually vomit up my stomach.. and then I won't have to eat or purge anymore. That would be nice. If only it would happen.
I don't have much else to say. I drink too much. Binge drinking two times a week cannot be good for you. But you know what? I don't care. I get a sort of exhileration from binge drinking, being hungover all day, dry heaving and vomiting nothing but stomach acid, dragging my dehydrated body onto scale and seeing that it's actually five pounds less than the day before. Refusing liquids, refusing food.... I love testing my limits.
you can't stop wishing if you don't let go.
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| WITHOUT A SOUND, SHE TOUCHES ME. |
[01 Aug 2006|07:06am] |
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mood |
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 full |
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music |
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billy joel - she's got a way |
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I'm full. Full, full, full. Fuck having nice friends who don't mind spending money to get you a side of french fries. Fuck friends. Fuck leaving the house. Fuck people around. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I feel SO full. I need to purge. NEED, need, need. But my parents are in the living room. I need to move out. I'm an independent person and I need to move out. I want to live ALL BY MYSELF. No roomates. No parents. No one around. Just me. So I am free to purge or sleep or eat or do whatever the hell I want.
I can't wait to get the money I need to get my hands on some more drugs. The only thing that helps my self-control anymore. The kind where I couldn't even eat if I wanted to.
I wish my mind wasn't consumed with FOOD. Honestly. Why should something that you "need" for survival end up killing a person? Oh, the irony.
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| EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M IN OVER MY HEAD. |
[31 Jul 2006|01:26am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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the fray - over my head |
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This isn't going to be a long entry.
I've gained three pounds.
Last night I hung out with a few friends at my friend Liz's house. I was talking to my mother about it. My parents are extremely open minded people.... that is why this surprised me so much. Anyway.. here's how the conversation went.
Mom: "What did you do last night?"
Me: "Hung out at Liz's house."
"Oh.. she's a lesbian, right?"
"Yes."
"Ah.... so have you talked to Trent, lately?"
Trent is a boy that I really liked, and he was greatly interested in me, as well. I haven't talked to him in a LONG while.. and she knows that, so it was odd. I don't know if she was just asking... or if she knows something.... or if that triggered something within her.... I don't know. I just don't know.
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| YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE THE STARS |
[27 Jul 2006|12:33am] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
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music |
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plain white t's - leavin' |
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Well, well, well.... today. Today was... well..... today. I didn't sleep last night.. I couldn't. So I was up all night and then until about 1pm or so this afternoon. When I finally fell asleep, I didn't awake until 6pm.. where, alas, the parents forced me to go to dinner with them. I told them I simply wanted a fruit cup and to please bring me home one ( I had just woken up.. did they really want me to jump up and get dressed to go out to eat? No, thank you. ) But that didn't seem to work.... they wanted to go out as a "family." So here I am, sitting in this booth with mom and dad.. staring blankly at a menu. Nothing looked appetizing. I honestly, truly wasn't hungry. I finally decided on a grilled chicken ceasare salad. Which wasn't half bad once I tasted it. Then my ED-instinct kicked in when she realized I was eating. I began scarfing it down. I ate my entire salad, the bread that came with it, dad's bread, mom's mashed potatoes, and was asking if I could get desert. All within a matter of minutes. It's disgusting, really. But I figure... I might as well live it up.. it's not going to stay down anyway. So when we stopped at the store to pick up a few things, I got a big bag of M&Ms. You know.. the kind you keep in the cupboard to restock the little bowl on the coffee table? Yeah.. finished them. Had a venti iced chai tea latte with 3 extra pumps of chai..... and came home, where I had a phone call waiting for me. So then I went to Del Taco.. and had two chicken soft tacos. Alas, I am home, washed up for bed.. and food free. And I can tell you... I love feeling empty.
I've been joking around about my sexuality. Well.... I always did, subconsciencly. Then when I realized that everything coming out of my mouth was true.. I felt the need to joke more. Maybe I want people to actually wonder, or ask, or think? I'm not sure. I told Liz, the only person that knows about my sexuality.... well I then told her everything else about me..... I pray she won't betray my trust. She certainly has all of it. I told her a story of when I was little.. and she said everyone has these types of stories. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to share it here.
When I was younger I had this best friend. Sammie. Now.. I still know Sammie, and somewhat keep in touch.. and she hasn't changed one bit. She is and always has been CRAZY. The "try anything twice and once more just incase" type of girl. I remember one particular day, around 3rd grade, we were at her grandmas house.. where we used to play all the time. We were behind the shed, and she wanted to practice this "french kissing." So we did it once. And I just remember..... I always wanted to practice after that.... but I never told her. At the time it didn't seem to mean anything but a child being curious.. but as I look back.. I always wanted to practice, and I always wanted to practice with her. I always wanted to do SOMETHING with her, just out of curiosity..... but never realized the want was always with her.
That's something I've never told anyone.... and I intend to keep it that way .. for now, anyway. When I told Liz (she happens to be a lesbian, by the way) she said that everyone has those types of stories. She said once, she was playing house.. and got caught under the table with a little girl around the same age. And our other friend I guess was caught in the closet with another little boy and they both had their pants down. It's just kids being curious... but I guess that as a child you know instinctively what you want?
A part of me wishes I'd never discovered this side of me. I think I was perfectly content just thinking that I was way too picky and that my Prince Charming was on his way but he just missed his bus and was going to be a little late.. yeah........... maybe that's still the case.
I hate doubting myself.
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| ALL THE ROADS THAT LEAD YOU THERE WERE WINDING |
[26 Jul 2006|04:35am] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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gwen stefani - harajuku girls |
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The name's Eleanor.
I'm 18 years old.
I live in California.
But I was raised in Georgia.
I have a subtle southern drawl.
ED-Nos (about a year and a half.)
I know I like girls.... just trying to figure out if I like boys too.
I'm not out.
I'm very shy.... and very outspoken at the same time.
I love friendly debates.
Or mean ones.... whatever.
I yearn for acceptance.
I'm extremely accepting.
I'm open minded.
I'm a child at heart.
I don't have a job.
I don't go to school.
But I love learning.
I like to stay home and read.
Sometimes I just turn off my phone.
I hate Lindsay Lohan.
I hate Nicole Richie.
If it weren't for music, I'm sure I'd be in an institution.
I ADORE e-mail....... eternally0urs@hotmail.com
My stuffed animals know all of my secrets.
I write pages upon pages of thoughts in my journal.. everyday.
the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out.
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